Actions, Regrets, and eating a whole bag of gummy worms.

 Life is funny. At one point you think you have everything figured out and you are on the track to the life you have always wanted. Then,  "WHACK" life hits you in the face and steps all over the hopes, dreams, and goals you had. 

    It changes. It changes you. It changes what you want. It changes how you feel. It makes you wonder, " If I had changed one thing, one single thing I did different, would that change who I am now?” 

    Truth is, we can think about all the things we would have done differently, but would we really have done them? Would we have run for student body president? or asked out the hottest most popular guy in school? Probably not, but maybe. 

 These last few weeks have been filled with unknowns, fear, and not feeling like I have enough strength to go on. I have been trying to harden my heart.. so i don't have to feel the heartache or the pain. Trying to be a support system for something I don't and will never understand. Its crazy to me how our actions effect others. 

    For the longest time I always thought my actions don't have any effect on those around me. That those around me didn't hurt or benefit from anything I did. Sometimes I wonder how the mistakes I have made have effected those who are no longer in my life. By the things I said, or did,  if that hurt them... and if  they have carried that hurt with them every single time my name comes up, or they think of me. The only thing of the bad things that I did to them. Honestly, that kills me. 

    I remember, my senior year of high school, there was a boy in one of my classes, he was someone I was never interested in, but he was interested in me. He asked me to Senior Prom, and at the time, I was dating someone who was already graduated. So, I told him no. I remember walking down to the front office with my answer so they could call him out of class to come pick it up, and on the way back, we passed each other. I remember crying in the bathroom because I felt like a huge jerk for rejecting a guy who got up the courage to ask me to a dance. I'm sure that now when he thinks of me... he thinks... " oh miranda, yeah she rejected me for senior prom, she was kinda a huge jerk face. Which i know broke his heart.       I think about that a lot actually, like I wonder how he is. What is he doing with his life? Does he have any regrets? 

    I have never been the type of person to think of myself as pretty,or smart, or funny. I have never been one to have the highest self esteem.  I always thought that guys were only friends with me or asked me on dates because I had nice boobs, pretty eyes, and gorgeous smile. Not for who I actually was.  Which has honestly always been my biggest insecurity. I think about how many times in high school, and even in adulthood where I have sat and watched other people make fun of someones insecurities. I stood back and I didn't say anything. That is something I will always wish I could have changed. Standing up for myself and others. Honestly, I wish someone would have pulled me aside and said, it doesn’t matter what these people think about you... if they aren’t meant to be in your life... they won’t be. 

    There are so many things that I wish I would have done differently, but at the same time I don't. I have grown so much and have learned so many lessons that have helped mold me into the person I am today. Does that come with PTSD? Anxiety? OCD? Depression? Trauma? Yes, unfortunately it does and I deal with those every single day of my life. But, I know that god has a plan.. and even right now going through what I am.... I need to learn that how I react to things.... effects how others feel. The things I say need to actually mean something, not just saying them to make someone else feel better.  I need to realize how I choose to express my emotions can hurt others. People no matter who they are Male or Female, they have feelings. No matter how hard people look on the outside, trust me... they are gooey on the inside... they just are afraid to show it. 

If you take anything from this... remember to Be kind anyways, no matter how people treat you, take the high road even when it is hard. Live a life with no regret. And remember a life isnt well lived without a Dr.Pepper and Mcdonalds French Fries. 

Love you for Always, 

M