Letting it all go & giving it to the Lord

There comes a point in your life when you have to decide who is worth fighting for and who isnt worth your time anymore.... there is a difference between being strong and becoming someone totally different in that process. It has been a very hard couple months for me. I lost a great person in my life to cancer. I lost one of my best friends. I lost myself... trying to fit the image others wanted me to be. I lost the spirit in my life....  by not living the gospel like i should be... I dont want to be that person anymore.  I want to be the type of person who people look up to. I want people to be able to see the light of christ in my eyes. I want to be able to share the light in my life with thouse who dont even know its there yet. And many of you maybe thinking well then go on a mission.. you can share yout light with as many people as want to .... and let me tell you i have debated it in my head since i was 11.... but in all honesty... its not where i am supposed to be... even though i want to be. There is something here or someone here that needs me. I remember one year ago when i was freaking out about graduating and figuring out what i wanted to do with my life.. and if im being honest with you.... i thought i would have it all figured out by now. But i dont... and thats okay... because life is full of possiblity and opportunity. Yes, life is hard.... being an adult is hard... and being responsible is hard... and i am still figuring it all out... but i forgot one important part of figuring it all out... the lord. And that.... was the dumbest thing i could ever do. The lord knows way more than i do. And for the past couple months i have been stubborn.... thinking i knew it all... and i dont even know the half of it. The past couple days i have been sick... and i havent wanted to get out of bed... and i have been sitting in bed feeling sorry for myself.... because i was thinking about all the bad things.... how everything was going wrong and it wasnt going the way i wanted. I have come to the conclusion... that it isnt what i want..it is what the lord wants... yes i have my free angency and i can do whatever i want.... but if i want to be truely happy..... the lords way is the only way to do that. I want to live a life my father in heaven would be proud of... a life my parents would be proud of... and a life my future children, my future husband, and my future family would be proud of.  I dont want to be a walking rumor.... i dont want to be someone who is talked about poorly because of her decisions. I want people to know my standards and respect them no matter what. I want to be a  walking billboard for christ. I know how hard it is to pretend to be someone you arent... and it sucks. Im not a dancer, im not a one night make out session, im not the perfect girlfriend, best friend, sister, daughter, or aunt. I'm not perfect at all. Do i wish i was...? Honestly no. This life is so much more then striving for perfection. YOU WILL MESS UP. Alot. Just take it from me... and own up to your mistakes... dont wait forever and let them fester and let them sit there and guilt you for the rest of your life. Because trust me it will eat you alive. Tell the people you have lied to.. the truth... tell the people you have hurt you are truely sorry.... because when you let it all go... your life will be so much more then you could ever ask for... because you have the spirit, you have the gospel, you have truth back in your life. And in my opinion.... that is all that matters. Truth.

Love you for always, 

-M