Faith over Fear

To those who are reading: listen to Wait by M83 as you read this... it makes the experience so much better. 

There comes a time in everyone’s life where you feel lost, heartbroken, & so angry you just don’t know what to do with that anger. You lash out at those around you, you say things you don’t mean, and you hurt people you love. To be honest it really sucks. You lose people you have know majority of your life, people who have always been there... no matter how much you have pushed them away. They give up. They move on. That’s life right? You just live and die. You feel like you don’t do anything in life to make a difference. 

Let me be the first person to tell you, you are wrong. Are people going to leave? Of course. Are you going to feel like the whole world is against you sometimes? Yes, and whoever says they have never felt that is a liar!  Everyone, (yes I mean everyone)  is here for a reason! Some people know their exact purpose. Others, like myself, still haven’t figured that one out yet. Honestly, there are some days where I pray to god wondering.... why am I here? What am I contributing to society? Am I bringing light into others lives, or am I bringing darkness? 

A lot of the time when I write my blog posts, it’s usually at night. Which to me... is kinda funny, because I think of so many things during the day I could write about but it always ends up that my 1:30 am blog posts are the ones that end up making the difference. I have never been the type of person to put myself 100% out there. I have always had walls. There has only been 1 person that I have ever been able to open to 100% right of the bat, and I kinda screwed that one, and him and I are not talking anymore.

It amazes me how much of an effect people have on you. Whether it be dating, marriage, friendships. I have been apart of so many different relationships. Toxic ones. Abusive ones. Ones that ended in abandonment. Ones that were only meant to last for a season, not forever. Amidst many others that I have helped mold me into who I am today. However, losing people, having people leave... has always been the hardest part for me. 

I have the hardest time letting go, even when I know I need to... because that person is better without me. That person deserves much more than I can contribute. That doesn’t mean I don’t still care because I do, but even though sometimes it feels like hell, you have to care enough to know it’s better for them if you do let go.

There are so many people that have left my life on their own, people I have pushed away, or people that I have hurt. To those people I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being manipulative. I’m sorry for lying. I’m sorry for breaking your heart. Because it was never my intention to hurt anyone. I hate that. I hate hurting people, and sometimes in the process of trying not to hurt anyone... I hurt them so much more. 

Right now , my heart hurts. It hurts from all the thoughts of what if’s. It hurts with the thought of the people I hurt.  It hurts with PTSD, anxiety, depression, abandonment issues. I will be honest with you all... I’m not okay, and sometimes it’s okay to not be okay. I will be okay though. 

I’m choosing me. I’m choosing to work on myself, better myself, bring god back into my life, and know that... people aren’t perfect. Life isn’t meant to be perfect. Life is never going to be this cookie cutter fairytale. That’s not what life is. Life is messy. Life sucks. Life is full of so many tears and trials and heartaches.... but it’s also filled with Joy. It’s filled with laughter, and sunshine, and sometimes... you meet one person that makes your life feel like it could be a fairytale... and unfortunately you have to let them go...because god has other plans for them and you aren’t meant to be apart of them.  

Life is full of ups and downs. But that doesn’t mean you always have to be up even when things to get rough. It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to yell and scream, and just want to punch things. WE ARE ALL HUMAN!!! We aren’t meant to be sunshine and roses all the time. We aren’t perfect. We mess up. We make mistakes. We choose wrong. Now,  that doesn’t mean I’m saying give up when it gets dark... because hell knows I have wanted to.... especially these last few months. Suicide is never the answer. There are so many people on this earth that love you. So many people you still have to meet and people who you are going to impact for the good. Take it one step at time. One day. One hour. One Minute. Even one second if you have too. Take that time and breathe. In and out. 10 times. Trust me, as weird as it sounds it works. 

I’m never going to be perfect, I’m going to hurt people I love, I’m going to make mistakes, and say things I don’t mean and want to throw things because Im so mad sometimes, and that doesn’t make me a bad person. That makes me human. Being human is hard. So is owning up to your mistakes... so I’m going to apologize for my shit. I going to own upto it, and stop being so stubborn, and thinking that stuff is always about me.... cause it’s not. Life is not meant to be spent being selfish. Love your neighbor. Sit down with your grandma and listen to her story’s about the good old days. Send that text to your friend you have been thinking about. Ask out the cute boy from work. Do it!! Because you never know where it will go. Get outside of your comfort zone, out side of your stubborn, selfish bubble, and let god do the rest. Let him in, and know that he’s got you. Life will turn out just as it’s supposed to. Have faith not fear. 

Love you for always, 

-M